When the Dallas Morning News called my show, The Box with Jacqueline “porn,” I thought best not to be silent on the subject.
For two years prior to writing The Box with Jacqueline, a sketch comedy series on Amazon, I had been researching and writing about the oppression of female sexuality in order to disavow the shame that has pervaded my own life. Like never-ending aftershocks from my own experiences with early childhood trauma, teen pregnancy, and rape, I had repressed the shame, which had in turn sowed the seeds of depression—manageable at times and quite paralyzing at others.
I wrote The Box to expose what has been repressed, heal my own wounds, and consciously break the cycle of practicing violence against myself. I believe activism starts with oneself, and as a mother, I aim to be a strong female role model for my daughter and my son, not just in what I pronounce as a parent but in how I behave as a woman.
Episode 6: Ass Man
The page became a safe space to express the feelings I had been shoving down for decades, and it allowed meaningful revelation and occasional laughter to what I kept very well hidden. Having remained largely silent about what was deemed shameful only fortified my lack of self worth.
So I began to research and write about it, and I made the connection that violence against the female body leads to the silencing of the female voice.
I was drawn to the book Half the Sky, by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl Wu-Dunn. Their work illuminating the oppression of females around the world was nothing less than life-changing.
Attacked in horrific yet accepted practices, such as genital mutilation, bride burning and the use of rape as a weapon of war, the female body has not been of her own domain, but instead something to be violated, dominated, owned and oppressed. Inextricably connected, female sexuality is demonized in ways that allow being a rape victim to incite one’s own murder by her supposed loved ones, the belief that females should feel no pleasure during sex and brutally raping a woman with a gun so she is left to die without the sympathy of her family.
While some of these practices may seem far from reality or disconnected, they are anything but. Damaged by less aggressive but constant ways that erode trust in the female body and eradicate the wisdom of female psyche, the acceptance of body-shaming, slut-shaming, sex-shaming, period-shaming and age-shaming create an imbalance. The lack of reverence for the female body and her sexuality hurts not just females but all of humanity, for it devalues the what brings us life.
For girls and women, sex and the female body have come with inherent shame. In my personal story, my world changed when my body transformed from innocent looking girl to voluptuous woman. My triple-D breasts made me a threat and labeled me a slut. This word has no negative connotation to me now, but as a sensitive and impressionable teenager, my own body made me feel like I was bad and deserving of less, and this played a role in the quieting of my voice.
Getting pregnant at 16, the painful deliberation to get an abortion, and subsequent belief that I was to be eternally punished by God, resulted in more body changes. After being told I needed to lose 20 pounds, the onset of eating disorders, compulsive exercise, and addiction ensued and then worsened after I was raped in college. My own body became a weapon in my self-destruction, which led to a suicide attempt. It took getting pregnant with my now 24-year-old son to end this war, because the violence I was inflicting upon my body wasn’t just hurting me anymore.
So why a a show that takes place in a ridiculous world where a woman’s desirability is linked to the heaviness of her menstrual flow? Because women have been shamed by the biology that allows the miracle of human life, which is even beyond ridiculous.
Episode 8: He Helper
Why a silly scenario in which being called a pussy is high praise? Because the word pussy is defined as being weak, cowardly and effeminate, whereas balls are equated with bravery—and that’s just silly. I think a pussy serves the same respect. After all, a pussy is an orgasmic, resilient, life-giving humanity vessel.
Why a semi-offensive sketch in which a woman teaches her date that ass-eating is not the jumping-off point for a romantic evening? Because women have allowed others to do what they want to our bodies, whether we like it or not, including what happens in the bedroom. Being in touch with our own sexual desires optimizes the situation for everyone.
Why an asinine sketch about a sexist surgeon pressuring her male patient to get huge testicular implants? Because women have been encouraged to let others tell us how to look and what should give us confidence—and that’s asinine. Implants or not, being the object of our own desire rather than someone else’s is the point.
Episode 2: Big Balls
Why an absurd commercial for a kitchen appliance that gives oral pleasure for on-demand orgasms? Because women have been shown what should bring us self-worth, including laboring in the kitchen to pleasure everyone else, often sacrificing her own desires—and that’s absurd. Again, when women are in touch with their desires, sexual or otherwise, it’s good for everyone.
Why a preposterous rap about pussy with male models crawling down a banquet table and rubbing whipped cream and cherries on each other? Because we have been inundated with images of female sexuality being a commodity in the most preposterous ways, and this allows us to see it from the other side.
Finally, why the interstitial interviews with the “show creator” about the “importance of the show?” Because to portray a woman with no awareness of the shame inherent in being a female in our culture right now was beyond fun. Having the entitled mindset to misquote others, be totally insensitive, and rightfully raunchy was liberating and downright joyous.
In her mind, the character is doing us a favor by sharing her insights, and for someone like me who has been terrified to share my own, she was incredibly freeing to write and to play. Creating her and then bringing this script to the screen also allowed me to laugh about these very serious matters—ones I’d been talking to my kids about for their entire lives in the most seemingly inconsequential ways.
Rather than recounting the horrors that happen to the female body, as my kids had become accustomed, it was my family that encouraged me to produce this adaptation of my work and to express the reverence for female sexuality in a comedic platform.
To be clear, as mother to a son, and a lover of men, I am certainly not promoting the treatment of males as anything but equal. The show flips the script so we can rewrite our own real-life script. I believe in equality and liberty for all beings.
In portraying role reversals in The Box, I am merely exhibiting the ridiculousness of the gender assumptions we have made, and entertainment is my form of activism. I would be lying if I said it didn’t upset me when I’m watching a show and someone calls someone else a pussy. My show allowed everyone associated with The Box to change this definition, so being a huge pussy in our family is equated with being completely courageous, wholly trusting and very wise.
Episode 4: Huge Pussy
The fact that being called a pussy has connoted being weak may seem like a “who cares” issue, but over time becomes accepted, and we are no longer aware of the inequality that exists. I call these acceptances “cultural inheritances,” and they run counter to equality. They have the power to erode trust and eradicate wisdom. They are the false beliefs that allow for great injustice that throw our world out of balance.
For most of my life, I felt like I needed to keep quiet about all of it— the imbalance, the injustices, and the lack of liberty to that which is oppressed because it is feared.
Yet in this time where horrific inequalities that have been hidden are finally being brought to the surface, it is those who have been oppressed who must come to the forefront to speak, share, and lead.
The brave souls who divulge what has been repressed do not free themselves from shame in isolation, but liberate it for others.
The Box is one small attempt to acknowledge the great imbalance that has furthered the oppression of women.
The Box is indeed a fantasy world in which female sexuality is honored and female desires are revered. Yet it is my real-world fantasy for the female psyche to return to her native trust and wisdom, finally free from repression.
This is not the time for females to be quiet and agreeable, as silence and complacency allow the cells of shame to proliferate.